somanyfeelings | IC Inbox

[His hand grips the tea cup a little as he tries to reign in his emotions. He didn't want to put Gokudera in a weird situation.]

I wish he could have still been here. He has a really...energetic personality and it was nice to have around.

[He set down his teacup onto the floor.]

You, Rei, Gou...

I don't want any of you to go... I feel selfish in saying so.

It isn't selfish. I don't want you to go, either.

[Makoto looks up at Gokudera and smiles just a bit, happy to hear that. He feels like he's made such a wonderful friend in Gokudera and that even though it's only been some four odd months, with everything that's happened, it's made their friendship even stronger than if they had just been schoolmates.]

Thanks...

[He reaches out and pulls Gokudera in for a strong, solid hug. He buries his face into his shoulder and tries not to cry again. There was so much happening that it was hard not to break down. First the scavenger hunt, nearly getting killed during an attack, then Nagisa leaving... It was a lot and Gokudera had been there every step of the way. For that, he was so grateful to have someone like that by his side.]

[Gokudera almost dropped his mug of tea, but he managed to set it aside to hug Makoto back after a moment, stroking his back and just trying to be there for the other boy.

He was so horrible, having ... thoughts about Makoto when the other boy just needed a friend. He was the absolute worst. There was no way Makoto would hug him or even touch him if he knew. Gokudera had been trying so hard to avoid the casual touching he had been getting used to with Makoto, even, to spare the other boy more pain and disgust if he ever found out what Gokudera was really thinking.

He just had to be a friend. Makoto needed a friend, not some pervert borderline stalker. Resolving anew to push his feelings down, even if he had to choke on them, he held Makoto close.]

... It's okay, if you need to cry.

[Makoto could feel his throat strain a bit before there was finally a soft, barely audible sob from him.

Even if Makoto knew about the thoughts Gokudera had about him, he wouldn't have traded this moment for much of anything in the world. This deep, meaningful bond that they were creating meant more to him than anything else.

He did feel a little guilty, though, for putting Gokudera into this position. He was sure the other's definition of good company wasn't having his shoulder become wet with tears from a very large boy. But that also only made him appreciate him that much more.]

[Even though it wasn't exactly his idea of a good time, no... Makoto needed him. As a friend, but he needed him. And it meant so very much to Gokudera to be needed at all.

The tears could be dried later, so who cared if they made things damp now? He stroked Makoto's back, making soft shushing sounds he hoped were soothing. He never really had anyone to do that for him, so he had to learn from movies.]

[After a short moment, Makoto pulled away with a small sniffle and wiped at his eyes quickly.]

Sorry...Thank you...

[He smiled to him.]

I feel...a lot better thanks to you...

[He would do the same for Gokudera at anytime and he hoped that Gokudera knew that as well.]

[Unused to that kind of support, Gokudera was the type that stewed in his feelings privately, not wanting others to see him as weak. ... He trusted Makoto not to judge him, though.]

Anytime. Really. Even if it's in the middle of the night or something, don't ever hesitate to call me, okay?

[Makoto wasn't the type to judge like that. To him, Gokudera was extremely strong no matter what.]

Okay...

Ah! Same for you! If there's anything that I can do... [He nods.]

A happy Makoto is what'll make me the happiest, so just focus on yourself right now, okay?

Hayato...

[A faint blush tinted his cheeks when Gokudera said that and was soon accompanied by a warm smile and a nod.]

Okay. Got it.

Slacking leads to laziness. Procrastination is a fine art.

the fuck is this.

Not you too! That's the second one today.

Is it some kind of virus?

Maybe. I think my PCD is broken. Demyx got one too had if you got one, then that means that there's probably others out there. Oh man, I'm so sorry about this.

I don't think these things are hackable... not in the traditional sense anyway.

Do you think that it's some sort of cross signal? I'm not sure how it works, I just know it works...sort of.

[After having a talk with both Nagisa and Watanuki, it spurned him on to get to Gokudera and clear things up. What got him to do it at ONE IN THE MORNING was Watanuki telling him that Adstringendum doesn't wait for people to think about their feelings before pulling them out. He had already experienced Nagisa leaving suddenly and while he was back, he had lost his memories.

He was scared, honestly, what if Gokudera leaves and they're...

No, he would have no regrets and now he knows that's how you're supposed to live in this fleeting world.

THOUGH HE WAS HAVING REGRETS NOW BECAUSE IT'S TERRIFYING AT NIGHT!

Eventually, there's a knock on Gokudera's door and someone panting behind it because he may or may not have sprinted the entire way because he was scared out of his mind.]

[Gokudera was still awake, more or less, at least. He'd been dozing fitfully since his ROYAL FUCKUP earlier in the day, just trying to listen to music and not think of Anything At All, pondering over Nagisa's words only briefly before spiraling into another fit of inadequacy. Not good enough, never good enough, ruining his and Makoto's friendship with his stupid gross feelings.

He heard a knock at his door over the sound of his music, turning it down. It was probably Mukuro, annoyed at him for sulking again. That asshole, just because everything was going fine with HIS boyfriend...!

Scrubbing at his cheeks to get the worst of the tearstains away, Gokudera stormed over to the door to throw it open, already launching into a yell.]

I SAID GO AWAY MUKU-

[That wasn't Mukuro.

That was Makoto.

Gokudera's hair was an absolute bird's nest of a mess, his eyes had to be all red from the earlier crying jag, and he knew he still had some tear stains on his cheeks. He was also in the shorts and t-shirt he was sleeping in, to make matters all the worse. And that was Makoto.]

... You ... aren't Mukuro.

[Well, Mukuro was an illusionist, but considering there'd be no reason for him to pretend to be Makoto ... ... Makoto had a way of making the normally genius kid say things that made him feel like a complete dumbass.]

[He shook his head, still panting and bracing himself. Sure he had the stamina of an ox, but that did not prepare him for a full on run all the way across town.]

No...I....had....to come see you....

[He looked up at the other and saw the disheveled mess that was Gokudera. Had he been...crying? Oh no...A pang of guilt ran through him.]

Uh.

[Completely oblivious to the goings on of the last few hours, Gokudera assumed that this was probably about his earlier running out. The anxiety of that quickly bled away when he took in Makoto's own appearance, though.]

... Are you alright? Was something chasing you? Do you need me to hurt someone because I will! Or - uh, I can like ... get you some water? Crap, come in, sit down.

[Gokudera's room didn't exactly have much by way of furniture, but it did have a futon that was for a person much bigger than him. Mainly because it was Yamamoto's room before the other boy vanished and Gokudera initiated hostile takeover of the vacated room so he would feel less lonely for his friend's absence. This was also why he had a ratty softball sitting next to the bed, for throwing against the wall when trying to think of Nothing At All. He stepped back to allow Makoto to come in, wondering if the other boy needed help even getting as far as the bed to sit down on.]

[Makoto was able to get inside on his own, but flopped down promptly on the bed since his legs didn't want to hold him up anymore after that. He had his eyes closed and panted softly until his lungs caught up with him.]

I ran the whole way here because it's so scary outside.

[There was absolutely nothing chasing him except for his paranoia.]

I need to talk to you about something...

[He started, opening his eyes and looking towards the other boy.]

I know...how you feel about me.

[Gokudera sat down next to Makoto on the futon, watching Makoto with concern. Makoto's safety always took priority over recognizing how attractive the other boy was, which was a good thing because Gokudera really didn't need to focus too much on how Makoto looked or sounded when his breathing was rough like that.

'I know how you feel about me', words Gokudera was hoping he'd never have to hear. He froze, and he was pretty sure his heart had to have stopped beating for a second before the adrenaline started to kick in, panic rising like he needed to get ready for a fight because he was just ... so terrified of Makoto figuring it out.]

Well ... it's obvious, right? You're like my best friend here. [The cover-up was obvious, Gokudera's voice was strained and he couldn't look Makoto in the eyes when he said the words, but ... he had to at least try. A 'get out of jail free' card, an opening for keeping things the way they were, if that's what Makoto wanted.]

[Makoto sat up and shook his head. It was a valiant effort, but when you have a blunt roommate that's sick of your angst, Gokudera, there's not much you can hide.]

I-I meant about the crush...

[He could only fathom how horrified Gokudera must have been feeling at that moment. His heart was revealed and now out in the open for him to either hold or to stomp into the ground like a cigarette butt.]

And I wanted to say that...!

That...I don't think it's wrong...the way you feel.

[He had been thinking about what to say on the way there, why couldn't he just say it normally?]

You and I have a strong bond, Hayato...I...

I'm not disgusted by you or even at the thought of us...ah...[Being together.]

A-and...I want to stay by your side and...

I don't want you to hurt anymore so....

ah....

[Smooth, Makoto.]

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